How’s that for a truly unimaginative post title? Sometimes I do believe I excel myself. Anyway… yep, I’m still ’ere!
Not, actually. Not “here” as in “here on WordPress” that is. As in starting to post stuff again; as in piccies and wotnot. Or having a bit of a rant. Or any of my other engaging little bits and pieces. So no-one needs to start groaning just yet.
No. Rather, “here” as in “here I am still dragging this scrawny old carcass of mine through the remnants of a totally miserable existence”. Although not quite as scrawny now I do suspect for it appears I may have gained a little weight.
Prob’ly on account of all that healthy food I seem to have been stuffing my face with. Hmm. And possibly the not smoking for a good couple of months now. And… um… the virtually complete absence of caffeine for even longer. And… er… the banning myself from any imbibing of the jolly old amber nectar. Believe me, no amount of food, healthy or otherwise, is any kind of substitute for my default diet of fags, coffee, and amber nectar!
That’s what I mean by the phrase “totally miserable existence”. For I seem to have inadvertently deprived myself of all my little pleasures in life. It just ain’t right! (Although at least I can still entertain myself with thoughts of nubile young gothettes I guess!)
And all because of this lurgy. Although “lurgy” is hardly an appropriate word for it. The “mother of all lurgies” perhaps. Or, more descriptively, the “epitome of all ’orribleness”.
Unfortunately, despite my reasonably extensive vocabulary, I don’t appear to have a word for “the epitome of all ’orribleness” so if anyone has any suggestions for one, be it real or invented, do please share with me.
So, this ’ere epitome of all ’orribleness… started off in November last year it did. Became really bad (like really really bad) toward the end of December, and the bloody thing’s still refusing to budge here at the end of Feb (though I’m occasionally managing to give it an albeit rather feeble kicking).
Will it ever be gone? Who the hell knows? Certainly not I. The thought that it might be here for keeps gets right depressing at times, I have to say. Though that’s when I’m in one of my darker moods. On the odd occasions that sanity prevails its quite obvious such thoughts are nonsense… “all things must pass” sorta thing.
Now I come to think of it though, I suspect something was building up to this particular nastiness for pretty much all of last year cos, looking back, it seems I’d fallen prey to an unusually large number of lurgies. Just one after another practically. P’raps if I’d paid a bit more attention to what was happening then I may have been able to prevent (or at least minimise) this current ’orribleness.
On the other hand… maybe not.
Anyway, what all this means is… for the past four months or so I’ve been doing virtually nothing at all other than occasionally some essential income-generating stuff (otherwise bills wouldn’t have been getting paid!). But on occasion even that’s gone by the board. A week off here and there; days off even more here and there. Most unprecedented for me.
Sure, I’ve been known to do lots of nowt for reasons of general slobbishness… and thoroughly enjoy it too. But for health reasons? Unheard of.
So there you have it. Me doing nowt. Lots of nowt. For ages and ages. No photography. No blogging. No out and abouting. Nothing at all. Even worse, no inclination to do anything either. Haven’t even been bothering to check me emails very much, or blog comments, or anything really. Just sufficient to know that some folk have been kind enough to enquire about my wellbeing… indeed, even express concern. None of which I replied to cos… well… I just haven’t. So this blog update is by way of being a general “thanks for the concern” and to let folk know that, although still not quite ready to re-enter the fray just yet, I’m getting there. Slowly. Ever so slowly. As in snail’s pace slowly. Or so it seems.
As can pro’bly be imagined this entire period has done precious few favours for my normally sunny disposition. Well, maybe not sunny. Not exactly. But generally fairly positive, and always looking for the silver lining sorta thing.
Yeah. Well. That’s not quite been the case these past few months. More like a general air of misery interspersed with bouts of frustration. Frustration at being so damned incapable of doing anything at all. And anger… when I can raise sufficient energy for it. Anger cos I absolutely hate feeling like crap. And irritation. Irritation with all those folk (well-intentioned though they may be) who’ve insisted on offering unasked-for and unwanted advice (generally of a highly conventional sort that demonstrates little other than the paucity of folks’ thinking on matters health-related) when all I’ve really required is to be left alone to curl up in a nice dark little corner somewhere and deal with things in my own distinctive, if rather unorthodox, fashion.
And to cap it all, just before this ’orribleness had its evil way with me I’d acquired another camera and was really looking forward to giving it a proper workout. Not to be though. Cos before I had the chance… bam! This ’orribleness appeared. So there it still sits (the camera that is, not the ’orribleness… though that’s still hanging around as well at the mo’), gathering dust, blinking at me and (presumably) patiently wondering if I’m ever gonna get my act together again. As indeed do I. Wonder whether I’m ever gonna get my act together.
Which brings me neatly round to something rather more relevant to this particular blog.
For y’see, this enforced “do nothing” period has given me plenty of time to ponder things. All sorts of things. “Reflect upon Life” so to speak. And other stuff. Like, for example, “If I should ever photograph anything at all ever again, I wonder whether this ’orribleness will influence what that may be or how I may do it?” Sort of thing. (And that’s if I can remember how the camera works. Not that I knew much about that even before all this current nonsense.)
In other words, will such a prolonged and godawful experience impact upon my perception of the world, and how I visually communicate that?
Interesting sort of question, innit? Well, I think so.
There’s a whole part of me that feels that somehow my perceptions should be altered, and that should show itself in whatever I photograph. How can one experience so many months of such complete nastiness and not be affected by it? And how can that not colour whatever one subsequently does?
And yet there’s another part of me… the more rational part perhaps… that’s telling me to not be so damned fanciful and of course there won’t be any difference. For no matter how grim these past few months may have seemed to be (to me at least) its all just been a fairly unexceptional part of life, to be shrugged off once one emerges from the other side.
Guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Though I must confess to harbouring a rather perverse hope that my photography will be informed by the experience somehow. Precisely how is another matter entirely of course, about which I have no ideas whatsoever. And even if I did, well, mustn’t allow ego-driven conscious thought to artificially shape whatever strange impulses the subconscious chooses to fling out, must I?
Now having written this post I do hope no-one’s gonna start expecting another one for a while cos writing all this has quite worn me out. But for those few of my regulars who have been kind enough to check in here periodically, despite my prolonged absence, thanks for the loyalty… its much appreciated. And I’ll be back! Er. Somewhen. Most likely.