Recipe

for a veritable feast of various intriguing delicacies… or an assortment of messed-around-with leftovers

Ingredients

1. One idiot photographer
2. A non-stop flow of coffee
3. An endless supply of tobacco in some form (optional)
4. A bunch of crap photos
5. A handful of time
6. A tablespoon of boredom
7. A cupful of text

You’ll also need

1. One camera
2. A pre-heated room
3. An infernal machine (aka some sort of computer)
4. A photo-editing app
5. A photo sharing website
6. A blog

Preparations

1. Entrust idiot photographer with camera
2. Release idiot photographer out into the wild with said camera… on a number of different occasions
3. Offload resulting photographs in camera onto infernal machine
4. Sort through photographs, putting all rejects (aka rubbish) aside for later disposal… this will probably be most of them
5. Forget to delete or otherwise dispose of said rubbish on infernal machine
6. Pre-heat room to required temperature (may vary depending upon particular brand of idiot photographer used; requires testing beforehand for optimum working temperature)

Method

Take one idiot photographer, a couple of spare hours, mix well together. Trickle in a tablespoon of boredom. Season with several large mugs of coffee. Add nicotine to taste (optional).

Take one infernal machine containing a suitable photo editing app (Adobe Lightroom in the case of this particular recipe, although anything similar will do) to which has already been added photos from a number of different photo-gathering expeditions.

Pour bored caffeinated nicotined idiot photographer over infernal machine, place in quiet dimly lit room and leave to simmer for 90 minutes or so at about 77°F (25°C)… refer to Step 6 of Preparations. Top up with additional caffeine and nicotine as required.

Note: to impart extra flavour for a more exotic taste amber nectar (aka whisky) may also be added. However, exercise extreme care with this as too much can lead to unpredictable results!

Result

Bored caffeinated nicotined comfortably warm idiot photographer will inevitably start browsing through batches of photos that should have been deleted or archived ages previously but weren’t. And will inevitably start thinking about messing around. To the extent that bored idiot photographer’s excuse for a brain permits thinking… this can vary according to the brand of idiot photographer used. The really cheap brands exhibit no thinking ability whatsoever and are best avoided.

So bored idiot photographer will inevitably discover (no matter how well hidden) the crappiest photos imaginable (i.e., those that haven’t “worked” or have otherwise been deemed rubbish; i.e., the rejects) and start playing with the raw pics in terms of tweaking various things (there was a pun there… in case you missed it!). Probably dragging out some sort of customised preset that bored idiot photographer had created during a previous cooking session.

Then tinkering with it and applying it to said crappy photos; and a bit more tinkering. And creating a new preset with all the tweaked settings. With the ultimate intention of eventually refining an “effect” that bored idiot photographer has been working on quietly, behind the scenes (when bored), for some time.

Serving Suggestion

Take the cooked photos and upload to photo sharing site (Flickr in this particular case). Then embed a choice selection of same in a blog post somewhere… garnishing with appropriate text. Liberally sprinkle screen and keyboard of machine on which they’re served with fag ash.

What you should end up with is a veritable feast of various intriguing delicacies. What you’ll likely end up with is an assortment of messed-around-with leftovers. So try to not get indigestion. Or throw up!

Heh heh.